I've been thinking about humility lately.  I do things like that because when you're perfect like me, it's important to "keep it real" and "stay true to your roots" and also "remember the little people."*

I also do that because I've been spending a lot of time lately tooting my own horn.  And it's kind of weirding me out.

I mean, I've got my reasons for tooting.**  I have a book called Billy: Messenger of Powers that is out in audio format (click here for the excitement), and as of now the e-version is also sitting near the top of the "Best Reviewed" list at smashwords.com. Add to that the fact that the print version of Billy is coming soon, myrecent adventures of a bueno-esque kind in Hollywood (it actually looks like they'll start filming one of my screenplays this winter), the invitation to collaborate with an incredibly well-respected martial artist on a book about teaching martial arts, and a few TV series that are being developed, and I can almost think I'm a successful person.

But I'm supposed to hide all that, right?  I mean, that's what humility is: pretending you've never done something good.  Ever.  Like the amazingly hot girl in high school that insisted she was fat.***

And it's not just me and that hot girl.  I've notice this weird "humility" thing is more widespread than that.  Example: I recently was asked to write a press release for a friend who is getting a HUGE award in a few months.  I congratulated her, said I'd be happy to help, and asked her to send me over some bullet points of her achievements so that I could make her look like the bee's knees.

It only took one month, two threats of violence, and three large men all named Guido to convince her to get something over to me.  Apparently she has tooting issues, too.****

What is it about us?  We live in this world where we're supposed to pretend we've got a value of something in the range of boogers or snail secretions... but in order to succeed at anything, you have to be recognized as an expert or at least better than the guy you're sitting next to (or girl... girls have been known to sit next to things, just not me because of the whole fat thing - see footnotes to understand this comment).

So I guess the secret is to pretend that you suck while at the same time letting small clues constantly slip out to the effect that you are really really awesome.  Like the President telling people that he's never going to act against [insert favorite political issue of your choice] but then a suspicious "press leak" surfaces the next week which says the opposite, thus allowing him to have his cake and lie to it, too.

I guess we're all politicians that way.  "No, no, no, I'm really nothing" followed by a pregnant pause where we all in our heart of hearts expect the listener to respond "What?  You're the greatest thing EVER!  The only reason we're not having this conversation on a lake is because I haven't learned your walk on water trick yet!"

Sneaky us.

Wouldn't it be nice if "humility" really meant "being happy for what you've accomplished but also being able to muster that same degree of happiness when somebody else does something nice"?  But no.  If nothing else, that descriptor is way too long to fit in the thesaurus as a valid synonym.  I mean, sure, it would probably result in an across-the-board raise of self esteem, and that comes with all sorts of perks, like lower blood pressure, less fighting (why fight when you know you're both awesome?!), and probably lots more tryouts for American Idol (though that could arguably be construed as either a good thing or a bad one).

But then we'd also have to give up that pleasant feeling we get when we've just won the Nobel Prize for inventing a universal Cure for Everything Bad and then look around and say, "Oh, it was nothing... I'm sure my pet earthworm would have done the same if he wasn't involved in much more important work."

It's kind of like being a martyr without having to go through that awkward part where you're set fire to and killed.  Or like Coke Zero - all of the taste, none of the calories.*****

So I guess I'll just go on, writing this horrid little blog that no one reads - not even you, you're just doing it for pity -  and hoping at the same time to drop the right hints that will garner me fame and never-ending adulation.

Just don't go to my Facebook page. It's a joke.  Amoeba's are smarter than me.

(But I'm really really smart.)

* I will ALWAYS remember the little people: who else am I going to compare myself to in order to remind myself how much better I am?

**  Not that kind.  You're disgusting.

*** For the record, I would always agree with this girl.  I mean, she wanted it so badly, I couldn't resist giving her the response she was clearly shooting for.  Which probably explains why I had such a stunning Friday-night social life (read: playing video games with friends of the non-hot variety at the local bowling alley).

**** Stop it!  Think of the children!

***** Note to Coke Zero: I actually think you taste like crap.  But I'll whore myself out for an endorsement.  THIS SPACE FOR RENT.