WASHINGTON, D.C. - News flash.  A blue-ribbon government panel comprised entirely of people who have actually won blue ribbons has determined that the federal government is too big to fail and a bailout of the federal government by the federal government may be necessary.

"It's just like them Wall Street fellers," says Warren Diggs, panel member and winner of a blue ribbon in 1987 for entering his prize pig Bessie in the State Fair, "if they went, the whole country went.  Well, we've since then also determinated that if the country collapses, then it's a sure bet that the collapse of the entire country is imminent."

"I agree," says Euthanasia Poppyseed, another member of the panel.  Poppyseed is the panel's wunderkind, having garnered her first blue ribbon - first place in the Gummington Elementary School Science Fair - in 1987 at the tender age of 17.  "If the U.S. government crashes, we're certain to see all sorts of other crashes.  Not like car crashes, but other crashes that are also scary.  Also, I want the world to know that I've discovered tuna fish are conspiring to take over the universe!"

Unfortunately, the rest of Ms. Poppyseed's comments were lost in the scuffle that ensued due to the fact that she was (once again) refusing to take her medications, but her first point is certainly thought-provoking.

What, then, is the answer?  Like the perfect storm that resulted in the wall street crisis, or the perfect storm that resulted in the collapse of the housing market, or the perfect storm that resulted in a "perfect storm" of sorts that wiped out parts of Louisiana, this newest perfect storm is one that - like most storms nowadays - seems both perfect and potentially deadly.

Fortunately, the blue ribbon panel's chief economics advisor Tom Rashly (blue ribbon winner 2004 All-County Bowling Tournament), thinks he has the answer: a buyout, with corresponding assumption of governmental ownership by our government.

"It's easy," says Rashly.  "What we propose - stop chewing on my leg, Euthanasia! - is an across-the-board purchase of approximately 60% of the United States' assets by the federal government of the United States.  Of course, the federal government will have to have control of that 60%, otherwise it's just not fair, but we can all rest in peace knowing that the other 40% will remain securely in the hands of the U.S. federal government."

When pressed about the details of the split, Rashly declined comment.  Though he did say that the 60/40 split would be a "friendly divorce," and "not like the time I got divorced from that skag who took well over 60% from me even though all I did was try to have her killed just that one little time."

Speculation is rampant.  Tobias of the Desert, a well-known hermit and socio-economic philosopher, thinks it likely that the United States will sell off some of its more speculative assets - like the Bureau of Land Management, the "No on Drugs" campaign, and all Congressional seats from states with funny-sounding names.  "That way everyone doesn't not win," says Mr. of the Desert, following up with, "Would you please pass the locusts?  And LOTS of salt."

Other speculators - some of whom are not hermits - have also speculated things which can only be described as speculative at best.  Nevertheless, the one thing that everyone seems to agree on is that blue - though a bit boring - is always a safe bet when asked "What's your favorite color."  Not many people are familiar with the color puce, which is therefore perceived as both dangerous and cunning.

"This sale is going to be good for the country," opines Chelsea Meyer Levitt Chelsea Meyers, 54, of Kentuckyville, California.  "We get to get rid of some of the assets that have been dragging us down, and the country will be able to use those assets to buoy us up with an influx of much needed cash."

Ms. Meyers was then presented a blue ribbon for Awesome Newspaper Answering and invited to sit on the next blue ribbon panel, which is scheduled to take place in March of 2012, or ten days after the federal government collapses, whichever happens first.

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