Okay, I admit it... I miss him.

I miss Schwarzenegger (I think that's how you spell it).

 

I miss Stallone (classic Stallone, not New Stallone)

 

I miss Charles Bronson.

 

I miss John Wayne.

 

I miss... ACTION MEN.*

 

You know, guys who basically more or less knew they were never going to get an Academy Award (if they did, it was a total surprise), so they had to content themselves with simply blowing up/dismembering/hacking/shooting/mayheming people/buildings/small countries/evil dictators who have been ousted from their country and want to assassinate the new guy and take over/just plain Bad Guys.

 

Where have they gone?

 

I think the closest we have now is Bruce Willis.  I mean, he's almost 100, and he's still kickin' bottoms and takin' names (yeah, this is gonna be a hard-hittinng, bad-talkin' column... cover your kids' eyes).  He's bald, too, which makes it even cooler, because everyone knows that ever since Samson came along, a full head of hair has been a virtual requirement for the Action Man.

 

But even Bruce gets out there and does artsy fartsy stuff once in a while.  Which makes me sad.

 

Because Action Men are never artsy, and rarely fartsy (unless in an Action Comedy, in which case such flatulence is accepted).

 

I started pondering where have all the Action Men gone?

 

Have they been replaced by Action Women?  Like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider: The Quest for Shorter Shorts, or the chick in leather from The Matrix (no, not that one, the other one... no... no... yes, it's hard because they're ALL in leather, but... YEAH, her... the one Neo has a crush on).

 

No... Angelina has an Oscar, and she got it early, and while she did put up a convincing fight scene or two in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, there's always that lingering sense that you could throw a pointy pillow at her and she would crumple.  And I don't even know what Leather Matrix Chick is doing these days, other than probably enjoying the bazillions in residuals that she's gotta be getting.

 

So Action Man has not been replaced by Action Woman.

 

Is he then, like the dodo, extinct?

 

But wait!  What about The Rock?

 

Weeeelllll.... promising start.  The Rundown.  Walking Tall (stupid movie, but he was definitely an Action Man).  Then he starts the downhill plunge with Gridiron Gang (good movie, but he's playing a tough but fair father figure, not Action Man), which continued through to the bottom of not-Action-Man depths with The Tooth Fairy and Race to Witch Mountain.

 

WHERE ARE MY ACTION MEN?

 

Tom Cruise?  No.  Artsy fartsy movies.  Plus he's got the whole jumping on a couch thing that forever takes him out of Action Man running.  I know, I know, he did the Mission Impossible movies, but can you picture John Wayne jumping up and down on Oprah's couch for ANY reason?  No?  I rest my case.

 

So what happened?  What is the common thread?  Why are they gone?  Who can supply infinite bullets from a single machine gun clip?

 

Wait... machine guns...

Machine guns = NRA.

NRA = Republicans.

Republicans = NOT ALLOWED IN HOLLYWOOD.

 

Oh.  My.  Gosh (see, I told you there'd be rough talk here).

 

Action Men... ARE REPUBLICANS.

 

No wonder there are no more Action Men!  They've been blacklisted (except for Bruce Willis, who could kill anyone who tried to come against him because he is both Unbreakable and Dies Hard).  It's all part of the vast left-wing conspiracy to turn out a bunch of wimpy peacenicks who think they should talk to that guy downstairs who keeps booming the stereo too loud, instead of just dropping a grenade down the stairs (THAT'll show him what "boom" really means).

 

Well, not me.  I'm stocking up on all the 80s action movies I can, even the really bad ones like Gymkata (yes, it's an actual movie, look it up), and I'm going to construct an underground bunker where I can safely show my children these gems of black and white morality.  They don't need to know American History, all they need to know is that a) the Butler did it, 2) the FIRST beautiful girl you meet is always REALLY interested in the bad guy, and ∞) all problems, from a broken toilet to an Evil Mastermind plotting to crush the World's [insert important noun here] can be solved with a rocket launcher and a pithy one-liner.

 

Education?  Educate THIS, baby (I couldn't figure out how to work in "hasta la vista" here, best I could do).

 

No, my children's education will be a crash course in Mayhem, followed by a final exam on the Dead End Streets of No Return.

 

I will give them a compass, a match, and some rocket fuel.

 

And they WILL come out of it alive.

 

Because I will have taught them (even the girl) to be Action Men.

 

And also Republicans.

 

* I also occasionally miss either Simon or Garfunkel, but I can never remember which is which.  And that's a story for another day.